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Hellraiser 2022

A puzzlebox summons hellish bringers of torture and death

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
20-11-2022
4

Yawning at cenobites

Despite the powerful images and lore it could built upon, this turned out incredibly bland, uninspired and boring. There is no tension curve, no interesting story, no likable characters and it's not scary at all. The quasi deep mumbling of the cenobites made me go 'whatever' and then fall asleep.
4

V/H/S: Viral

A bunch of unrelated horror fantasy stories, except that they all contain some amount of filming. Not necessarily on VHS though.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-07-2015
4

Messy

I'd like to think there is a deeper meaning behind the foul nastiness. But it felt like an unpleasant, loud and incoherent peak in some perverted minds' shock fantasies. 'Yeh so like there's skate dudes and then zombies come.' End of story. That parallel dimension thing was alright though.
4

The Outwaters

Found footage of 4 friends who went into the desert and encountered various hardships

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-12-2023
4

found random nonsense

First there's the usual get to know the annoying characters, then for a moment it's slightly interesting, only to then plummet into a mess of unclear, pointless, loud, endless and absolutely RANDOM events thrown at you because noone knew what this was about.
4

Horsehead

A young woman is plagued with nightmares, and tries to master lucid dreaming to figure it out

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
15-02-2024
4

A failure

Somewhere in the distance there may be some good intentions, but ultimately this is a failure due to amateuristic direction. It results in loads of random pointless stuff happening for way too long, a lack of a clear story or focus, and not understanding of what makes movies scary.
4

Jurassic World: Dominion

People need to infiltrate a base from an evil corporation to save the world from a mutant locus plague.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-09-2022
4

Failed on many levels, mainly dinosaurs

It feels weird giving such a high-profile, high-effort movie such a low rating, but when I feel exhausted and glad it was over, I have no other choice. Too many uninteresting storylines, failed humor, no soul, no chemistry and worst of all: tiresome dinosaurs that are essentially fillers.
4

Catwoman

Girl murdered, then ressurects with cat powers. Revenge.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
04-06-2014
4

Maybe girls like it

The problem is that they made this into some sort of girl movie, with girlpowermusic, a love interest with a Ken, an evil beauty make-up corporation and a bouncy and goofy main character. Worse: they managed a half-naked woman walking around in leather to be completely non-sensual.
4

The Moon

An ill-fated Korean moon mission turns into a rescue mission

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-12-2023
4

Looks okay, afwul kitch movie

Space rescue can be quite exciting, and this one looks snappy for sure. Unfortunately, it's filled with plastic characters, overacting and turns into a sludge of melodramatic kitsch with tears over piano music.
4

Assasins Creed

Some guy from a line of medieval assissins takes trips back in time with some machine to find some magic apple

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
02-05-2017
4

Stupid and liveless

I guess the effort is there, but what a bummer. The whole time travel thing was unnecessary, incomprehensible and preposterous. Why didn't they just cook up a story situated in the past? Also, icecold characters throughout, cheesy and dumb lines and too much footage of people gazing in the distance.
4

Imaginary

Family is confonted with an evil imaginary friend of the youngest daughter

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
14-04-2024
4

A great idea planted in fruitless soil

What a fantastic idea to make horror about imaginary friends. Unfortunately, this movie had just one moment that impressed me. The rest is a formulaic affair with a badly acting daughter, some stupid lines an characters, missed opportunities and a generic trademark Blumhouse horrormovie feel to it.
4

Transformers: Age of Extinction

The humans built their own transformers, not realizing what they created. Autobots come to the rescue.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-10-2014
4

near torture

This movie looks AWESOME and is a production triumph. You can however, barely watch this. It is crammed with excessive, loud, stupid, endless, insane action, terrible humor, restless angled camera shots, rushed montage, cliches, bucket loads of kitsch and oversaturated color. Somebody make it stop.
4

The Starving Games

A parody of guess which movie

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
21-08-2015
4

A turkey of the second kind

A rather dumb and unfunny fest of bad jokes, though some might still accidentally trigger a slight smile now and then. Not the worst of bad parodies.
4

Starship Troopers: Traitor of Mars

It's not just bugs that run over Mars, but an evil politician tries to destroy the entire planet - inhabitants included. Troopers to the rescue.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
25-10-2017
4

Ruined by the characters

Some of it looks dated, some of it looks quite good, some action scenes I liked. But it's all in vain, because of the ultra cheesy, cringe worthy characters that make it feel like a Powerrangers episode... but not in a good, satirical way like the original managed to pull of.
4

Cycle

Astronaut (?) wakes up in a place and needs to find a way out before a fog runs over it.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
21-05-2022
4

Fascinating AND yawn inducing

This could have been a bomb, with it's absolutely unconventional and puzzling story, trippy scenery and remarkable animation that I took for real footage. Unfortunately, many scenes and conversations are way too long, vague and boring, and without a clue on what's going I had to fight to stay awake.
4

Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse

Historian and son find a pattern in world disasters pointing to the end of the world, and set out to stop that from happening

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-08-2015
4

ehmmmmm.....Yup, it's a B-movie

For a while I thought it had a change of becoming at least a reasonable B-movie, but then it quickly sank into the usual mandatory B-movie swamp - like endless car driving and non-stop action music, no matter what's on the screen.
4

The Offering (aka Abyzou)

Man secretely wanting to sell his fathers funeral home, has to deal with cleansing it from evil first

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
01-07-2023
4

Waisted

Despite one of the scariest locations I know (morgues), tastefully lit scenery and a promise of creepy Orthodox Jewish reli-horror, this movie was unable to craft it into something scary or interesting. Instead, it has only really, really tiresome loud-noise jumpscares to offer.
4

The Rebels of PT-218

During ww2, a cargoship is performs a heroic attack on canons on the shoresline

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
22-08-2021
4

Unsuccesful attempt to make a warmovie with little resources

If you have no budget, should you make a movie about something complicated as naval combat? While some scenes actually get by, the constant black or white surroundings are suspicious. What's more: the movie is not about a PT-218 (torpedo boat) at all, and everything else is a bit meh too.
4

Insidious: The Red Door

Father and son forgot their trauma through hypnosis, but when the son goes to college, the past comes back.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
09-04-2024
4

Uninspired and uncapable

An utterly uninspired attempt to do some more with this franchise. It looses any creepiness early on, only to continue with a tiresome, slow and predictable waste of time.
4

Death Valley

Contractors are hired to rescue a scientist from a secret lab in a forest where horrible alien experiments took place

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
20-12-2021
4

Uninspired and stolen

A drab and shameless collage of stuff we have seen a million times before, delivered by subpar actors doing annoying characters.
4

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

The winners from the previous games are used to suppress rebellion or something

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
09-03-2014
4

Pretentious, boring and annoying

I found it impossible to care about this world or any of the lifeless flat characters inhabiting it. I didn't understand what they were doing or what was driving them, and was annoyed and bored out of my mind. One of the rare movies I switched off - so I guess you could say I liked Sharknado better.
4

Gantz

Anime series about people who get to hunt monsters (aliens?) after they have been killed in an accident

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
19-01-2020
4

I gave up

I thought I'd give this a try since I quite liked the digital movie 'Gantz:O' that was based on this. I tried to persevere, but just couldn't finish this due to it's slow nature and endless waves of atrociously bad and bizarre acting and dialogues - between and even during the monster fights.
4

The Machine

Scientist attempts to cure his daughter by hacking a government project for revitalising brainddead soldiers, but builts a new kind of robot in the progress. Sort of

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
23-03-2015
4

Too boring, too B

While it manages to squeeze out a couple of moody scenes, it is mostly a very slow, quite boring movie that keeps relying on the same tricks and scenes over and over again. I also thought the robot's behavior was how a five year old would portray one.
4

Rings

More people watch the cursed video

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
08-10-2017
4

Lazy

What a terrible, lazy sequel compared to the terrifying original. Half of it is a rehash of the original and the other half a contrived attempt to make sense of sequel in the first place. Cheap jumpscares, generic adolescent actors and even the music sounds uninspired.
4

Kickboxer: retaliation

Once again an underdog partipates in a fighting match to take on the evil champion

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
12-05-2022
4

You may skip this

I'll admit that I didn't see it in it's entirety, but I am pretty sure what this is: A dorky cardboard white hero doing bizarre over the top fighting, his pretty girlfriend looking worried in the sidelines, and some painfully awkward appearances of Van Damme and Lambert.
4

Better Than Us

In the future, a precious humanoid robot escapes and finds shelter in a family with their own problems

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
07-01-2024
4

No drive

I probably shouldn't be reviewing this as I stopped after 3 episodes, but here i am. The core idea is decent enough, but there's absolutely no energy in the story or the way it was told. Cold and bland, the prospect of watching 13 more terrified me. Perhaps the absence of music was part of it.
4

Doctor Sleep

Now an adult, the boy from The Shining has managed to take control of his ghosts when he sets out to help another gifted girl

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
09-08-2020
4

Sacrilege yourself

Well this sequel seemed like an unholy idea to begin with, but since apparently King himself wrote it I was hopeful. Alas, it really is a sacrilege that fails to become scary, stuff they bring back from the Shining instantly looses it's appeal and the sucking of 'scare smoke' was just so childish.
4

Andor

Basically the backstory of one of Starwars' rebel hero's

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
11-12-2022
4

Slower and more wordy than Bold of of the Beautifull

Yes, I liked the ground based, real person, non-jedi approach too. A shoutout to the wonderful future retro design. Other than that, I am lost why this is praised so highly. I found it agonizingly boring, empty and slow, like the god awful and pointless prison episodes and discussions about banking.
4

The Nun II

It's the Nun II

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
22-12-2023
4

Good looking borefest with no story

Much like it's predecessor, there is no shortage of very moody and nicely lit scenes. Also like it's predecessor, there is a serious lack of a story to drive it along, instead it features just people moving extremely slowly from one jumpscare to the next. Remarkably boring.
4

Alien Outpost aka Outpost 37

Mockumentary of soldiers in some outpost fighting aliens

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
25-05-2015
4

Badly done scifi

A confusing, unexciting and poorly done movie with bland characters. It is slow, uninteresting and misfires with really phoney 'interviews' in between. The whole documentary approach can't save it.
4

Project Ithica

A group of people random people find themselves strapped and arranged in a circle .... inside a spaceship?

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
24-05-2020
4

Gets tired quickly

Watching these annoying, unsympathetic, sweaty people moaning and screaming in turns gets tiring very quickly. There is hardly any any point to any of it.
4

The Witcher season 3

Everyone is still after Ciri, who's powers are growing stronger

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
12-08-2023
4

Dull

This time there's even more walking and talking and standing and talking with stiff, over-edited dialogues, framed like a soap opera. The scarce action scenes are short and uninspired, the beloved characters become one-dimensional and the whole thing is just remarkably, and unforgivably, boring.
4

IO

Woman is trying to find cures for a dying world, but an uninvited stranger urges her to join him and catch the last rescue ship into space

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
19-01-2019
4.5

Sympathetic but very boring

I really tried to get into the flow of this slow-burn movie, as a small, delicate an intimate story about big issues. But boring is boring, and the quasi-meaningful dialogue and cascade of pointless scenes made me yell COME ON too many times.
4.5

Occupation Rainfall

On an alien invaded earth, humans and some alied aliens set out find a mysterious rainfall that can save humanity

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
03-07-2022
4.5

Tiresome scifi bonanza

There's actually some okay stuff here and there: some effects, some scenes, some concepts, some designs. But it's just so bloated and hysteric, like they wanted to include everything they could think of and barf it onto you in an endless stream. Very tiresome.
4.5

I, Frankenstein

Frankenstein's monster's chosen profession, being alive and all, is demon hunter. Together, with gargoyles!

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
09-06-2014
4.5

Pointless and quite uninteresting

The creation of the monster is briefly told in flashbacks while the opening titles are still running. The fact that he is Frankentein's is hardly relevant. He is basically a strong, civilized dude fighting demons, in a dull and stiff copycat of Underworld and Van Helsing Gothic stylistics.
4.5

The Black Demon

A family vacation winds up on a decommissioned oilrig with a huge shark patroling the waters

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
01-01-2024
4.5

Lacklustre, even for a a shark movie

For some reason big shark movies get a pass for not being of much quality, but even so this one is a bit problematic. There was a lack of inspiration to do actual sharks scenes, so there's a lot of chatty fillers about the environment and vague folklore. Some subplots even seemed abandoned.
4.5

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

The paranormal detectives try to trace the orgins of a boy's evil curse, apperantly to use as defense in a court case

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
11-07-2023
4.5

A lacklustre horror/thriller/detective story

While it may be original, I did not find the detective/court story very appealing. A bigger problem is that it doesn't really get scary or under your skin. It's a bit nasty and loud, and left me way more indifferent than a horror movie ought to.
4.5

Cryo

People wake up - prematurely? - from their cryo tubes and need to find out who's who and what's happening

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
21-04-2024
4.5

Nice story. Now what we need is a good script.

The premise, including the twist at the end, is decent enough. It's just so dull, long and low budget that I was struggling to stay awake.
4.5

Away

Mum goes to Mars. Away from her family.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
08-11-2020
4.5

Soggy family drama with occasional space things

Don't get tricked into thinking this is a scifi adventure. This is a soap opera, featuring an insanely uncooperative and unprofessional crew, bitching and moaning and solving tedious problems like the water supply and the flue. Back on earth, there is slow nagging family drama and diseases. Ugh!
4.5

The Phoenix Project

Four scientists in a garage try to revive dead animals

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
08-03-2015
4.5

Experiment failed

This could and should have been a geeky mind bending gem like Primer. But it is achingly slow at times, the science is underpowered and the scientists behave unnatural. Especially that Carter guy, who single-handedly wrecks this movie with really painful, unwatchable and ridiculous overacting.
4.5

Orphan: First Kill

The woman who looks like a child infiltrates the first home to go for the kill

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
28-12-2022
4.5

Pointless and boring prequel

Many people were impressed bu apparent plot twist, but I was very bored with this empty shell, and found the acting was quite problematic. Adults acting like children is always so over the top, like they act like a caricature of a generic child. Weird and cringy.
4.5

Manifest

A plane disappears and reappears, to find that the world has progressed five years and the passengers have not

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
06-08-2022
4.5

Afwul soap barely kept afloat by a vaguely interesting story

The mysterious event was enticing enough to drag me through the first season, but barely so. The problem is the incredibly soapy style of the actors, cinematography and pacing. Cheesy perfect persons constantly walking into the scene at the right moment to seamlessly join the conversation. Ugh.
4.5

Warning

A bunch of (related?) stories, with perhaps future technology and mankind as a central theme

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
28-11-2021
4.5

Vague unrewarding stories

Incomprehensible at first, I got some ease of mind when I realized it's just some vague ideas and separate stories glued together in a movie. In itself still a feasible concept, but in here it was just a bit pointless and directionless, without any payoff.
4.5

Infini

Rescue squad gets transported to a distant space base to save the last survivor

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
26-02-2017
4.5

Looong everyting

Occasionally it strikes a chord, but EVERYTHING - be it people talking, staring, chasing, monologuing, contemplating, fighting, briefing or debriefing - takes so freaking long it starts to mess with your mind.
4.5

The Mummy

Modernday thief digs up a mummy that wasn't supposed to be found, for good reason

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
27-12-2017
4.5

Underperforms in many fields

A surprisingly boring flick that feels like it was made ten years too late and does a lot of things wrong. I was especially annoyed by the humorless role of the female interest, it never got scary or tense and it severely lacked some good music.
4.5

Magellan

Astronaut on a lone mission to investigate signals suddenly coming from various locations in our solar system

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
23-09-2021
4.5

Unable to compensate for the little resources it had

An irresistible story and some of the space graphics are not too bad. But they contrast starkly with the amateuristic 'interior' of the spaceship, and the bizarre procedures of the space flight and handling of possible alien artifacts (plastic bag?). I also missed a point or clue to any of it.
4.5

Capsule

Astronaut depens heavily on radiohelp from earth to get his faulty capsule to return home

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
06-11-2016
4.5

A lot more was required to make it this bold idea work

A bold mov(i)e which almost exclusively shows the astronaut strapped in his seat. But the amateuristic, jumpy astronaut, the repetitious dialogues and unconvincing procedures are way insufficient to make it work. There's a twist at the end, but if you made it that far you'll probably no longer care.
4.5

The Exorcist: believer

After a midnigth visit to the woods, two girls need exorcism

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
13-01-2024
4.5

Boring, messy, silly and not scary

I was already getting bored with exorcism movies, and this is one certainly isn't turning the tables. The only novelty is that there are two victims at once, and three people doing different kinds of exorcisms at once, which turns into a mess, looks ridiculous and none of it seems to do anything.
4.5

Other Life

Scientist invents memory injections, but when it is used against her the line between real and artificial memory starts to blur

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
27-12-2017
4.5

Lifeless

Nothing wrong with the idea, but it is let down by the miscasted lead playing the cocky, cold emo-scientist. The story is also annoyingly vague, and not in the intriguing, mind-bending way I was hoping for. A few days after watching this, my wife asked how it ended and I had no idea what to say.
4.5

Riddick

After being left for dead on a hostile planet, a ship full of mercenaries is Riddicks's only way off the planet

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
15-02-2014
4.5

A B-movie in disguise

Non-stop pretty, but also painfully slow, tedious and full of uninspired really poor dialogue. They are too eager to portray Riddick as a mysterious, ubercool, enigmatic hero, instead turning him into an unsympathetic showoff.
4.5

Cocaine Bear

Various people in the woods have to deal with a bear addicted to cocaine

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
16-04-2023
4.5

Cult is hard

It is going for a cult status with an over the top story, a bit of gore, humor and loads of colorful, quotable characters. But I found none of these components particularly successful, and the pacing seems off as frankly I got quite bored with it.
4.5

Parallels

A mysterious phonecall from a missing father leads people into a strange building that opens up to alternate earths

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
12-02-2017
4.5

Nice idea poorly executed

Love the basic idea, but it's executed poorly with rather annoying young adults delivering really bad lines and making everything seem hopelessly amateuristic.
4.5

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