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Exodus

After the rapture (apparently), a guy tries to find his way to a mysterious door to a better place

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
12-09-2021
3

I am sure they mean well. Zzzzz.

It seems the that hardest thing to get right in these low-budget, low-tier movies is keeping the pace and keeping interest. It probably could have been a mysterious, symbolic, thought provoking journey, but it's just agonizingly slow, empty and emotionless journey.
3

EmbriĆ³n

Attempts to tell a story about (mulitple?) people that went missing or weird after an alien encounter

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
09-08-2021
3

A hot mess

My god. A messy, incoherent and incomprehensible mixture of found footage and a 'real' movie , it jumps allover the place to new locations and years (almost with each cut!), pacing is weird and feels made-up as they went along, and I did not understand most of it. Poster art is fake.
3

The Room

Lisa is about to marry Johnny, but loves his friend Mark instead.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-01-2022
3

If you can reach the right state of mind, it could be mind blowing

I knew what I was getting into, and was ready for the abysmal to turn into laughter, fascination and/or admiration. But I started to realize you probably need some friends and beers to reach that state, but on my own I wondered why the hell I was doing this to myself.
3

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

Megalodon strikes yet again, and an awoken giant robot adds to the misery

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
02-10-2016
3

It lives up to it's title

So yeh, everything is bad about this movie. But it's not snugly enough to reach the elusive so-bad-it's-good status, even though it was off to a good start with the deep cleavage power babes piloting the subs.
3

Teleios

A spaceship docks with a distant spacestation to retrieve a mysterious cargo

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
11-09-2017
3

The costumes, my god, the costumes!

I think I needed about 7 attempts to watch this all the way through. It is so goofy and off that I thought it would turn into a spacemovie parody, only to realize in horror they are for real. The rest of it is just painfully boring and features a crew wearing the ugliest costumes of all time.
3

Project Gemini

Spaceship sets out to find a solution for a dying earth, but winds up in an uknown location in space. Where evil lurks.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-09-2022
3.5

Not a catastrophy, but pretty bad

A very vague, sleep-inducing, poorly written scifi with some abhorrent dialogue made worse by the poor voice overs I got with it. At the very end there are some relatively interesting, slightly rewarding plot points, and I give an extra point for some fancy CGI/space scenes.
3.5

Tabernacle 101

Dude dies and revives to prove there is no afterlife. Dark consequences result.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
10-07-2023
3.5

Maximum amateurism

I don't mind the similar story to Flatliners; it's an exciting concept there deserves be explored further, and is something that could work fine for a movie with little resources. Unfortunately, this is amateuristic to the core.
3.5

Alien Space Battle

Spacemission to rescue a victim from a Mars mining accident gets involved in a alien threat to all mankind

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-04-2023
3.5

Cute, sympathetic even, but not good.

Apart from the fantastic title and some passable CGI here and there, I could not find anything to recommend about it. The subpar actors continuously having to deliver anxious spacecombat jargon really got on my nerves. Also known as "Attack on Titan", but that won't save it.
3.5

400 Days

4 people spent 400 days in a mockup spaceship to test the effects of long term space travel. Will they keep their sanity... and what's going on outside?

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
24-09-2016
3.5

Annoying

Right from the beginning I was incredibly annoyed by this. Everything and everyone is so phony, cheesy, unrealistic and slow. There's a pale spark of excitement in the whole 'what's happening' mystery, but I wonder if even the writers really knew.
3.5

Deus

A spaceship travels to a mysterious sphere to investigate

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
27-12-2022
3.5

Terrible scifi with insufficient but still present elements of quality

Apart from the outside space graphics, nothing else convinces in any way. Not the actors, not the ship interior, not the dialogues, not the music, not the directing, not the ship's plumbing. The story and twist are sort of interesting, but are unfortunately buried beneath the problems.
3.5

Somnus

The crew of a spaceship are in danger when the board computer turns rogue

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
28-12-2017
3.5

Slow and bad looking

The atmosphere and some of the interior design were promising. But soon it dwells into endless, static conversations, misguided and pointless scenery (what were those jellyfish? What's with the train?) and increasingly worse visuals. With that creature on asteroid-city, they seemed to have given up.
3.5

The Device

Two sisters (and a douche) retreat to a sumercabin to overcome past trauma. But what they find only brings them extraterrestial misery.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
04-02-2015
3.5

It's plain bad

There are a lot of things wrong with this amateuristic scifi horror. Like the cheesy aliens and the many awkward overlong chat scenes. But the completely misleading, non-representative poster artwork is really criminal. Tssssk!
3.5

The Internship

With no relevant skills, two sacked salesmen enlist for an internship at Google.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
02-02-2014
3.5

404 humor not found

Instead of having a ball with the funny premise, this movie is extremely generic, consisting entirely out of tiresome jokes and gut-wrenching Hollywood cliches so banal it made me look away from the screen.
3.5

Seance: the Summoning

Some teens comfortably go into a morgue to summon spirits between corpses, then seem frustrated if things getting scary indeed

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
15-04-2018
3.5

Not even God can save this movie

A hopeless movie with too many things wrong to even list. When it's halfway it reveals itself as a reli-flick. They figure it's not just any ghost they summoned, but a demon and therefore they need to invoke the power of Christ - who must be embarrassed by this.
3.5

Air Strike a.k.a. The Bombing

In a chinese village under constant bombardment from the Japanese, a Chinese pilot is sent on a ground mission to transport a valuable cargo.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-11-2018
3.5

A tiresome mess

So I saw the version with English voiceovers for all Chinese people so that Bruce Willis didn't need to speak Chinese. It makes this mess of a cringe movie even worse, no matter how many explosions there are. The shelter scene is oddly impressive by comparison, like it was made by a different team.
3.5

Gods of the Deep

A submarine crew ventures into deep, to enter a portal leading to a place where ancient gods may reside

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
12-03-2024
3.5

Pulp that almost wins sympathy, but the amateurism was just too much

When you have no budget, is it foolish or courageous to make an underwater movie? Either way, I was tempted to give this fun borderline amateur movie some credit in all it's cheesiness, but the silly story and Numark audio mixer serving as pilot controls were just too distracting.
3.5

Cosmic Sin

When extraterrestrial live is discovered, a team goes to another planet to neutralize the threat, bringing an old veteran with them

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-05-2024
3.5

crappy

I knew this was crappy ,but I was hoping it would turn into some amusing goofball entertainment. But is really was just crappy, with long tiresome dialogues ("They may very well be alive, but highly unlikely"), gutless combat and no real sense of being in the future.
3.5

Nova

On a spaceship to mars, an android is struggling with acceptance by the human captain, other androids and her own developing emotions

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
29-01-2023
3.5

Looks and feels like a school project

Rather than pointing out the numerous problems in this (homemade?) movie, a more important question would be if the fundamental philosophical issues raised somehow make the them irrelevant, merely an accessory tool for conveying a thought provoking message? No.
3.5

ARQ

Guy gets caught in a time loop in which he must escape a house from evil people who want his time machine. Sort of.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
14-11-2018
3.5

Repitition can be repetitive

This movie made me appreciate those stuck-in-repeating-day movies more, for doing the same but keeping it interesting still. This one, however, is agonizingly repetitive, narrow and has a crawling pace and boring actors. Too bad about the snappy beginning a synth soundtrack.
3.5

Paranormal Whacktivity

Sexually frustrated couple is haunted by ghost (also sexually frustrated)

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
28-10-2013
3.5

A terrible movie that almost made it to being just bad

Amateuristic, improvised, messy and - worst of all - unfunny throughout. But: I think they had fun on the set, and the actors could have, in theory, pulled this off. Something actually funny was lurking in the shadows.
3.5

Fortress (2012)

Replacement co-pilot of a B-17 struggles not only with the war, but also with winning the trust and respect of the crew

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
19-05-2023
3.5

Perhaps with a better story

Not soon after enjoying the initial CGI planes passing by, I noticed the upcoming gloom of this movie: wooden and stiff dialogue and very poor storytelling and direction. It also has that B-movie smallness to it, with no wide angle shots on the ground to disguise the absence of sets.
3.5

Fear Street part one: 1994

Mysterious killer kills youth

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
17-07-2021
3.5

A hot mess

Sometimes you don't like a movie and move on, and sometimes and it really bugs you - like this one. A disjointed, messy movie that has some uninteresting teenagers making their way through tedious cliche horror events. Vague, boring and uninspired. No, I am not watching the other 'parts'.
3.5

Halo: Nightfall

A new type of enemy weapon emerges, so brave soldiers must go back to the Halo to resolve it. I think.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
09-11-2015
3.5

Really drab. feel free to reuse the props in a decent story

Some of it looks satisfactory, but I was bored out of my mind with this extremely poorly paced movie with ultra dull characters chatting and fighting in a completely unconvincing mission in deep space that is immediately and only compromised by..... worms. This is not Halo man.
3.5

Dark Space

Teenagers boost the spaceship taking them to a party planet, but in doing so they end up on a hostile planet where evil lurks.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
29-11-2014
3.5

A different writer please

I could have sympathized with this for some reasonable effects and designs, good intentions and the cute Saitek joystick prop. But they made it sheer impossible to do so, with appalling dialogue, hopeless characters and a world record amount of creature-flashes-by-the-screen-with-loud-sound scares.
3.5

God's Not Dead

Christian student is forced to prove the existence of God by one of those malicious atheist philosophy teachers. There's also substories of other idiots (like cancer patients and muslims) finding God

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
14-08-2016
3.5

but this movie is

I was sort of hoping for some passionate debate with interesting arguments from both sides, but that came out underdeveloped and sloppy, smothered in the cringe worthy side stories, performances and bizarre depiction of atheists. Thank God all heretics died.
3.5

Deep Fear

A sailor rescues two shiprecked people, which leads into an ordeal of crime and shark invested waters

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
24-03-2024
3.5

Another crap shark movie

When the lead is a pumped up bimbo with spot-on make-up even after two deepdives, shot in numerous preposterous shots to show her curves, a movie is pretty much lost. Add crappy acting and a poor script and it becomes hopeless. Two shark attack scenes were surprisingly ok compared to the rest of it.
3.5

Shanghai Fortress

Shanghai defends against an alien invasion. With a big canon.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
31-07-2020
3.5

Arrogant empty shell

How the hell did they get such a big budget to make such bland, generic, lifeless movie? It radiates arrogance. The numerous 'emotional' scenes with cheesy minor piano chords fall flat completely because I didn't know or care who these people are!
3.5

Alien Warfare

Specialforces team is scrambled to investigate what happened to some lab. (it was aliens!)

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-08-2021
3.5

Almost abysmal

There is something about it that keeps it from being completely abysmal. Perhaps the borderline passable actors, the almost successful attempts at jokes, some slightly interesting moments, some semi ok action. But make no mistake, this is a pretty crappy movie. Those alien suits, gees.
3.5

The Last Witch Hunter

Cursed to live forever, a witch hunter is faced with his old nemesis again in the present times

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
08-01-2017
4

Boring and superficial

The miscasted Diesel lacks the character and cannot show the burden of centuries of witch slaying. Also, the stories, conversations and even the action scenes are yawn-inducing. None if it flows well.
4

Hellraiser 2022

A puzzlebox summons hellish bringers of torture and death

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
20-11-2022
4

Yawning at cenobites

Despite the powerful images and lore it could built upon, this turned out incredibly bland, uninspired and boring. There is no tension curve, no interesting story, no likable characters and it's not scary at all. The quasi deep mumbling of the cenobites made me go 'whatever' and then fall asleep.
4

V/H/S: Viral

A bunch of unrelated horror fantasy stories, except that they all contain some amount of filming. Not necessarily on VHS though.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-07-2015
4

Messy

I'd like to think there is a deeper meaning behind the foul nastiness. But it felt like an unpleasant, loud and incoherent peak in some perverted minds' shock fantasies. 'Yeh so like there's skate dudes and then zombies come.' End of story. That parallel dimension thing was alright though.
4

The Outwaters

Found footage of 4 friends who went into the desert and encountered various hardships

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-12-2023
4

found random nonsense

First there's the usual get to know the annoying characters, then for a moment it's slightly interesting, only to then plummet into a mess of unclear, pointless, loud, endless and absolutely RANDOM events thrown at you because noone knew what this was about.
4

Horsehead

A young woman is plagued with nightmares, and tries to master lucid dreaming to figure it out

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
15-02-2024
4

A failure

Somewhere in the distance there may be some good intentions, but ultimately this is a failure due to amateuristic direction. It results in loads of random pointless stuff happening for way too long, a lack of a clear story or focus, and not understanding of what makes movies scary.
4

Jurassic World: Dominion

People need to infiltrate a base from an evil corporation to save the world from a mutant locus plague.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-09-2022
4

Failed on many levels, mainly dinosaurs

It feels weird giving such a high-profile, high-effort movie such a low rating, but when I feel exhausted and glad it was over, I have no other choice. Too many uninteresting storylines, failed humor, no soul, no chemistry and worst of all: tiresome dinosaurs that are essentially fillers.
4

Catwoman

Girl murdered, then ressurects with cat powers. Revenge.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
04-06-2014
4

Maybe girls like it

The problem is that they made this into some sort of girl movie, with girlpowermusic, a love interest with a Ken, an evil beauty make-up corporation and a bouncy and goofy main character. Worse: they managed a half-naked woman walking around in leather to be completely non-sensual.
4

The Moon

An ill-fated Korean moon mission turns into a rescue mission

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-12-2023
4

Looks okay, afwul kitch movie

Space rescue can be quite exciting, and this one looks snappy for sure. Unfortunately, it's filled with plastic characters, overacting and turns into a sludge of melodramatic kitsch with tears over piano music.
4

Assasins Creed

Some guy from a line of medieval assissins takes trips back in time with some machine to find some magic apple

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
02-05-2017
4

Stupid and liveless

I guess the effort is there, but what a bummer. The whole time travel thing was unnecessary, incomprehensible and preposterous. Why didn't they just cook up a story situated in the past? Also, icecold characters throughout, cheesy and dumb lines and too much footage of people gazing in the distance.
4

Imaginary

Family is confonted with an evil imaginary friend of the youngest daughter

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
14-04-2024
4

A great idea planted in fruitless soil

What a fantastic idea to make horror about imaginary friends. Unfortunately, this movie had just one moment that impressed me. The rest is a formulaic affair with a badly acting daughter, some stupid lines an characters, missed opportunities and a generic trademark Blumhouse horrormovie feel to it.
4

Transformers: Age of Extinction

The humans built their own transformers, not realizing what they created. Autobots come to the rescue.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
30-10-2014
4

near torture

This movie looks AWESOME and is a production triumph. You can however, barely watch this. It is crammed with excessive, loud, stupid, endless, insane action, terrible humor, restless angled camera shots, rushed montage, cliches, bucket loads of kitsch and oversaturated color. Somebody make it stop.
4

The Starving Games

A parody of guess which movie

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
21-08-2015
4

A turkey of the second kind

A rather dumb and unfunny fest of bad jokes, though some might still accidentally trigger a slight smile now and then. Not the worst of bad parodies.
4

Starship Troopers: Traitor of Mars

It's not just bugs that run over Mars, but an evil politician tries to destroy the entire planet - inhabitants included. Troopers to the rescue.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
25-10-2017
4

Ruined by the characters

Some of it looks dated, some of it looks quite good, some action scenes I liked. But it's all in vain, because of the ultra cheesy, cringe worthy characters that make it feel like a Powerrangers episode... but not in a good, satirical way like the original managed to pull of.
4

Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse

Historian and son find a pattern in world disasters pointing to the end of the world, and set out to stop that from happening

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
05-08-2015
4

ehmmmmm.....Yup, it's a B-movie

For a while I thought it had a change of becoming at least a reasonable B-movie, but then it quickly sank into the usual mandatory B-movie swamp - like endless car driving and non-stop action music, no matter what's on the screen.
4

Cycle

Astronaut (?) wakes up in a place and needs to find a way out before a fog runs over it.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
21-05-2022
4

Fascinating AND yawn inducing

This could have been a bomb, with it's absolutely unconventional and puzzling story, trippy scenery and remarkable animation that I took for real footage. Unfortunately, many scenes and conversations are way too long, vague and boring, and without a clue on what's going I had to fight to stay awake.
4

The Offering (aka Abyzou)

Man secretely wanting to sell his fathers funeral home, has to deal with cleansing it from evil first

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
01-07-2023
4

Waisted

Despite one of the scariest locations I know (morgues), tastefully lit scenery and a promise of creepy Orthodox Jewish reli-horror, this movie was unable to craft it into something scary or interesting. Instead, it has only really, really tiresome loud-noise jumpscares to offer.
4

The Rebels of PT-218

During ww2, a cargoship is performs a heroic attack on canons on the shoresline

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
22-08-2021
4

Unsuccesful attempt to make a warmovie with little resources

If you have no budget, should you make a movie about something complicated as naval combat? While some scenes actually get by, the constant black or white surroundings are suspicious. What's more: the movie is not about a PT-218 (torpedo boat) at all, and everything else is a bit meh too.
4

Insidious: The Red Door

Father and son forgot their trauma through hypnosis, but when the son goes to college, the past comes back.

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
09-04-2024
4

Uninspired and uncapable

An utterly uninspired attempt to do some more with this franchise. It looses any creepiness early on, only to continue with a tiresome, slow and predictable waste of time.
4

Death Valley

Contractors are hired to rescue a scientist from a secret lab in a forest where horrible alien experiments took place

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
20-12-2021
4

Uninspired and stolen

A drab and shameless collage of stuff we have seen a million times before, delivered by subpar actors doing annoying characters.
4

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

The winners from the previous games are used to suppress rebellion or something

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
09-03-2014
4

Pretentious, boring and annoying

I found it impossible to care about this world or any of the lifeless flat characters inhabiting it. I didn't understand what they were doing or what was driving them, and was annoyed and bored out of my mind. One of the rare movies I switched off - so I guess you could say I liked Sharknado better.
4

Gantz

Anime series about people who get to hunt monsters (aliens?) after they have been killed in an accident

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
19-01-2020
4

I gave up

I thought I'd give this a try since I quite liked the digital movie 'Gantz:O' that was based on this. I tried to persevere, but just couldn't finish this due to it's slow nature and endless waves of atrociously bad and bizarre acting and dialogues - between and even during the monster fights.
4

The Machine

Scientist attempts to cure his daughter by hacking a government project for revitalising brainddead soldiers, but builts a new kind of robot in the progress. Sort of

Wittenberg
Wittenberg
23-03-2015
4

Too boring, too B

While it manages to squeeze out a couple of moody scenes, it is mostly a very slow, quite boring movie that keeps relying on the same tricks and scenes over and over again. I also thought the robot's behavior was how a five year old would portray one.
4

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